Let’s be honest. For many women, talking about sex with their partner can feel uncomfortable; in fact, sometimes more than having the kind of sex that just doesn’t hit the spot. I have listened to couples in my sessions who clearly love each other, but the ‘elephant in the room’ is sex. It often seems that these conversations about sexual intimacy remain some of the hardest conversations for some couples to initiate, and yet hold the power to enrich our relationships.
Sex is Never Just Sex
The main reason that this conversation is hard is that sex is never just about sex. Wrapped up in talking about sex with our partner, we bring with it our own vulnerability, often coupled with the anxiety that we may cause hurt to our partner.
Staying quiet isn’t because we don’t know what we want, but often fear the impact of saying we are not being sexually fulfilled. Notably, the conversation with couples in counselling usually begins cautiously.
‘’We’re fine, really.’’
‘’We’ve been together a long time.’’
‘’It’s just not what it used to be.’’
And then after a little encouragement, the truth emerges. Often, with the male partner, there tends to be a focus on frequency, as if it’s the thermometer to gauge the ‘health’ of the relationship. If sex is infrequent, then there is a finger pointed towards the menopause, or the assumption that their partner has just gone off it! Whereas very often women confess something they have never quite found a way to say out loud: ‘’I still love him, but sex with him isn’t really doing it for me.’’ These conversations, once prompted, can bring new energy into the relationship, but it still feels like a mountain to climb for many couples.
Myth: Good Sex is About Technique
In my early teens, I remember a group of us getting hold of a copy of ‘The Joy of Sex’, the iconic 70s sex manual.
We howled with laughter over the illustrations, which looked vaguely like ageing porn stars attempting enthusiastic naked yoga. But it clearly was how ‘good sex’ was viewed. And although we have progressed in talking about sex, I believe for decades we have been sold the idea that good sex is largely about technique.
For men, perhaps this has translated into getting familiar with varying the positions. Then, by applying enthusiasm and stamina, it should hit the spot, literally! But we know that female pleasure is more complex, and not just the proficiency of the sex act itself. Some of us can open up and talk about it with our friends, but does that conversation ever make it into the times when we share intimacy with our partners?
Penetrative Sex is Not Enough
Probably one of the least discussed truths about heterosexual relationships is that the majority of women do not orgasm through penetrative sex alone.
Yet generations of us have somehow absorbed the message that penetration should naturally lead to mutual ecstasy. The reality is rather different.
For many of us, pleasure involves a combination of physical, emotional and psychological factors. As women, we acknowledge that it is never about enthusiastic thrusting, but more about connection and communication. But why were we never taught how to put these needs into words, or encouraged to have a voice in the bedroom? Why do we struggle with getting what we need, or putting up with what may be gradually turning us off sex altogether?
It is strange how, as women, we can sometimes feel that this conversation could be a minefield worth avoiding.
Avoiding the Difficult Bedroom Conversations
Some of this is due to our conditioning to give pleasure in the bedroom and be less vocal about getting pleasure.
We can easily get into a place where we don’t take time for sex or give sex the space to explore our bodies together. It seems to be harder if you have been together for a number of years. The idea of saying: ‘’I am not really enjoying sex,’’ is fraught with apprehension. You might worry that they will immediately hear criticism and become defensive. Or you might worry they feel inadequate, and feel judged that their performance has not been good enough. Or even that you have fallen out of love, and you might be looking for sex somewhere else.
By dropping that awkward revelation that ‘sex hasn’t quite been hitting the spot’, it might point to us not having been entirely authentic in the bedroom. The discovery that the ‘moaning’ might have been more about encouragement, rather than climactic pleasure, could make us feel we are partly to blame for sending mixed messages.
Brave Enough To Be Vulnerable?
To tell someone what you want sexually is being brave enough to be vulnerable. In revealing our intimate desires and needs, it takes confidence to be vulnerable. To find the right time to say ‘’This is what is not working for me’’, or ‘’Can we try something different?’’ can feel daunting. This can all feel very risky, but our men are not mind readers. Most men genuinely want to please their partners. In the absence of these intimate discussions, they tend to rely on previous experiences, optimistic guesswork, and other more questionable sources, such as other men’s stories and are unaware that there is room for improvement. But no one wants to be the Craig Revel Horwood of Strictly ……. ‘’Dahling …………. There was unnecessary grinding throughout.’’ Frankly, darling, it was worse than dismal’’. So often, the dismal continues in the bedroom.
From Dismal to Delicious
The truth is that good sex is less about technique and more about attention. It is about curiosity. It’s about listening, slowing down, being humorous and playful. We are really asking our partners to show a genuine interest in understanding the woman we have become. Relationships change. Bodies change. Desire changes. What might have felt wonderful at twenty-five might not be what feels wonderful at fifty-five, and beyond, as life continues to change. Perhaps the greatest gift we can give our partners is the opportunity to keep discovering us. So yes, let’s, with kindness, tell our men that it’s more than trust and hope. But remember, it is equally important that you give yourself permission to ask for what you need and to be confident in expressing your preferences.
Because if we don’t tell our partner what makes us moan, we can’t really blame them for continuing to make us sigh.
Be Bold, Be Beautiful and Be Fulfilled!
