Friends or Frenemies? Not Every Woman Wants You To Shine

I must admit I felt somewhat conflicted in writing this article, as I am a strong advocate of the power of women, when we all pull together. I struggled with perhaps being seen as a traitor to this belief if I talked about when sisterhood falters, and sometimes falls apart. But by sharing these observations and experiences I felt it might allow the space for others to share. My hope is that collectively, we can perhaps learn to tackle this thorny area rather than silently suffer.

When Sisterhood Turns Sour

We are frequently encouraged to believe that women should support women. That female friendship is built upon solidarity, encouragement and the shared understanding of what it means to navigate a world that has not always celebrated female ambition, or independence. And often, this is wonderfully true. 

But there is another, less comfortable reality.

Sometimes the woman who is least enthusiastic about your success is not a stranger, or a competitor. She is someone you consider a friend or close ally or trusted colleague.

She may not openly criticise you.

She may never say anything particularly unkind.

Instead, her lack of support reveals itself in more subtle way. The compliment that never comes, the achievement that is quickly dismissed, the conversation that changes direction when you share something exciting. Or perhaps the most revealing response of all the deliberate silence. 

I have reflected on my own reactions to others success, and I have caught myself feeling on occasion ‘less’ because I viewed someone as ‘more’. Those times have been when I have felt my most competitive, and my least compassionate, and as a result less of a cheerleader for my fellow women. 

I believe that our survival instinct as women can make us behave in a less than compassionate way, that only other women can understand. I also observed that when we are less than supportive, it tends to be about fear, and not malice, and that it belongs to the uncomfortable psychological territory of comparison, identity and insecurity.

When Your Success Becomes Someone Else’s Discomfort

Let’s understand this more. 

One of the most powerful psychological influences on our relationships is social comparison.

We rarely assess our lives entirely in isolation. Instead, we instinctively measure aspects of ourselves against those around us.

How successful are we?

How attractive?

How financially secure?

How fulfilled?

And perhaps most importantly, Аre we where we expected to be at this stage of our lives? 

When a friend achieves something significant, it can unintentionally become a mirror reflecting our own disappointments or unfulfilled ambitions.

Your new relationship may remind her of her unhappy marriage.

Your professional achievement may highlight a career she feels never quite fulfilled its promise.

Your confidence or independence may challenge the compromises she has made in her own life.

The Subtle Art of Undermining

Another observation is that not all rivalry is obvious. In fact, some of the most damaging behaviour within female friendships is remarkably subtle. A woman may appear supportive, while consistently introducing doubt. 

You mention a new business venture, and she immediately points out the risks.

You share an exciting opportunity, and she questions whether it is really worth pursuing.

You describe something you are proud of, and she responds by talking about someone who has achieved considerably more.

Individually, these comments may appear harmless. Occasionally, they may even be well-intentioned. But when they become a pattern, their cumulative effect can be significant. You begin to hesitate before sharing your good news. You minimise your achievements. You find yourself justifying yourself reassuring rather than enjoying your own success. Eventually, you may notice that you feel more comfortable discussing your problems, than your happiness. And that is an important moment of recognition. 

A friendship in which you feel safer when perceived to be struggling than succeeding deserves closer examination. 

Why Some Women Need to Feel Superior

I do believe there is always a natural leader in a group, but the way this is conducted speaks volumes to the way the group behaves and thrives. 

For some women, self-esteem is closely connected to their perceived position within a group. They may feel secure when they are the most successful, the most attractive, the most knowledgeable or the person everyone turns to for advice. This is not necessarily conscious arrogance. Sometimes it is a fragile form of self-worth, that depends heavily upon external comparison. If another woman begins to flourish, the established balance can feel threatened.

The friend who once needed reassurance, becomes confident.

The woman who struggled professionally, finds success.

The person who always deferred to others, begins making independent decisions.

Suddenly, the familiar relationship dynamic changes. In psychological terms, this can challenge the roles people have unconsciously adopted within a group or friendship. One woman may have become accustomed to being the adviser, the rescuer or the more accomplished and wise one. When those roles are no longer required, she may struggle to adjust.  Rather than celebrating the change, she attempts to restore the previous balance through criticism, dismissiveness or subtle competition. If the ‘rising star’ starts to take up too much space, then they are sometimes ‘resized’ through a harsh word or a cutting criticism. 

In truth what appears to be hostility towards another woman’s success, may actually be anxiety about losing her own sense of importance.

The Legacy of Female Competition

It would be simplistic to suggest that women are just naturally inclined to compete with one another. Much of this behaviour can be understood within the social environments in which women have grown up. For generations, women were encouraged to compete for approval, attractiveness, romantic attention and limited professional opportunities. If you have read Jane Austen’s novels, they were based on this premise of women competing for the ‘prize’ of achieving a successful marriage into wealth and status. Being chosen, admired or considered more desirable than another woman could become closely connected to personal value. 

Although society has changed considerably, some of these attitudes remain deeply embedded. Women may intellectually support equality and female empowerment, while still experiencing an uncomfortable emotional reaction when another woman appears to be doing better. This contradiction is particularly interesting. We can genuinely believe that women deserve success while finding it difficult to celebrate a particular woman’s achievements. 

The challenge therefore lies in recognising that another woman’s success does not diminish our own worth. 

There is not a finite amount of happiness, recognition, beauty or achievement available to women. Yet emotionally, some people continue to behave as though there is. On this subject, one of the wisest things I heard from another woman, is that

There is room for us all and that never try to dim another’s light to make yours brighter.

This truly resonated with me and I have tried to hold this wisdom as a behavioural benchmark, when faced with the potential of getting pangs of envy.

When Envy Disguises Itself as Concern

The intricacies of relationships can make it hard sometimes to distinguish the friend from the ‘frenemy’. Perhaps one of the worst feelings is to feel emotionally wounded from someone who we thought was on our side.

However the difference lies in intention, consistency and emotional tone. Genuine concern is usually accompanied by warmth, curiosity and a willingness to listen. Undermining tends to leave us feeling diminished, defensive or inexplicably foolish for having shared our excitement.

Let’s all work harder at catching ourselves if we feel uncomfortable with a friend/colleague being in the spotlight and we feel a pang coming our way.

Learning to Grow and Own Emotional Generosity

One of the most attractive qualities in any relationship is emotional generosity. It is the ability to take pleasure in another person’s happiness, without immediately measuring it against our own circumstances.

Emotionally generous women understand that friendship is not a competition.

They can admire another woman’s beauty without feeling less attractive.

They can celebrate professional success without questioning their own achievements.

They can enjoy a friend’s new relationship without interpreting it as evidence of their own romantic failure.

This does not mean they never experience envy. Envy is a normal human emotion. The difference is that emotionally mature people recognise the feeling without allowing it to dictate their behaviour. They understand that admiration and envy can coexist, and that another woman’s achievement may offer inspiration rather than represent a threat.

The Freedom to Celebrate One Another

Perhaps the greatest expression of female friendship is not simply being there when life falls apart. 

It is being genuinely pleased when another woman’s life comes together.

When she finds love.

When she begins again.

When she achieves what she once believed was impossible.

When she becomes more confident, independent or fulfilled.

There is something profoundly reassuring about a woman who can look at another woman’s success, and respond with uncomplicated pleasure. Not because her own life is perfect, but because she understands that another person’s happiness is not a personal loss. 

Ultimately, the healthiest female friendships are those in which neither woman needs to remain smaller for the other to feel significant. And perhaps that is one of the most valuable lessons of maturity. We do not need every woman to applaud us. But we do need to recognise the difference between those who genuinely wish us well and those who are more comfortable when we are standing in their shadow. 

Because real friendship is not about who shines the brightest.

It is about being able to stand in one another’s light without feeling diminished.

Ladies, we can all shine brightly, and together we can be dazzling!