Over the past few years seen more women taking the courageous decision to leave an unhappy marriage. However post-divorce some of them will come to my therapy room feeling depressed and deflated. It does seems like with many of life’s events, we tend not to realise the emotional impact until it is finally over. We tend to think of divorce as having an ending. The agreement is reached, the finances are settled, perhaps the family home is sold and eventually the legal process is complete. Friends and family breathe a sigh of relief and tell you, “At least it’s over now.”
But what if you don’t feel relieved?
What if, instead of feeling free, you feel exhausted, anxious, angry, lost or unexpectedly sad?
For many people, the emotional impact of divorce doesn’t end when the paperwork does. Sometimes it is only when the practical battle is over that you have the space to realise just how much it has affected you.
You Function Because You Have No Choice
During a divorce there is often very little opportunity to stop, and process what is happening. There are solicitors’ letters to answer, financial decisions to make, mediation meetings to attend, arrangements for children and sometimes the enormous upheaval of selling or leaving a family home. You function because you have to. When you have spent months, or sometimes years dealing with uncertainty and conflict, your mind and body can become accustomed to being on alert. Another email, another disagreement, another demand. Then suddenly it stops. And instead of the enormous sense of relief you expected, there may be an emotional crash. You survived the divorce, but now you have to recover from it.
Even When Leaving Was Your Decision
There is also an assumption that the person who initiated the divorce should find it easier. After all, this is what you wanted and perhaps has taken you years to finally do this. But deciding you can no longer remain in a marriage is very different from wanting everything that comes with its ending. You may have spent years trying to make the relationship work before finally accepting that something had to change. The decision may have been necessary rather than wanted. And it can still hit incredibly hard.
You can be the person who leaves, and still cry when the family home is sold.
You can be the one that initiated the divorce, and still feel devastated when your former partner moves on.
You can know you were unhappy, and still miss the person with whom you shared twenty or thirty years of your life.
You may grieve Christmases, holidays, mutual friends, Sunday mornings and all the tiny rituals nobody thinks about until they disappear.
And during lonely moments, you may even ask yourself: “Did I do the right thing?”
Friends may respond, “But this was your choice.” Yes, the decision may have been yours, but the losses weren’t. Choosing to leave a marriage does not mean choosing the loss of your family unit, financial security, your home, friendships, traditions or the future you once imagined. Relief and grief can exist together. You can know you couldn’t stay, and still wish it hadn’t had to end.
Divorce Is a Form of Loss
When we think about grief, we usually associate it with death. But we also grieve the loss of the life we believed we were going to have. For someone divorcing after a long marriage, there can also be a profound change in identity.
Who am I now that I am no longer someone’s wife or husband?
Where do I belong?
What does my future look like?
Sometimes there is another, more painful question: How did the life I thought I had become this?
If the marriage ended through betrayal, infidelity, emotional abuse, coercive control or sudden abandonment, there may also be a loss of trust – not only in other people, but in yourself. How did I not see it? Why did I tolerate it? Can I trust my judgement again? These questions don’t disappear because a divorce has been finalised.
When the Divorce Itself Becomes Traumatic
Not every divorce results in psychological trauma. But some divorces can be deeply de-stabilising. Prolonged conflict, financial uncertainty, legal proceedings, threats, controlling behaviour, or disputes involving children can leave someone living in a state of heightened anxiety for months or years. You may dread seeing your former partner’s name appear on your phone. You may repeatedly check emails, replay conversations, struggle to sleep or find decision-making surprisingly difficult. Even when the immediate conflict has ended, your nervous system may take longer to recognise that the threat has passed. Тhis is one reason why someone can appear to have coped remarkably well throughout a difficult divorce and then really struggle afterwards to do life.
Why Emotional Support Matters
We quite rightly encourage people going through divorce to seek good legal and financial advice. But emotional support matters too. A solicitor can help you understand the legal ending of your marriage. A financial adviser can help you understand what your new financial life might look like. But most importantly I believe that therapeutic support should also be part of a divorce process. It is important not to just ‘soldier on’ but to actually understand how the experience has affected you. It can provide somewhere to process anger and grief without burdening children or repeatedly returning to friends and family. It can help you understand patterns within the relationship, rebuild boundaries and begin trusting your own judgement again. And importantly, support isn’t about endlessly analysing your former partner, or remaining stuck in the past. It is about helping you move forward without carrying the emotional fallout of the marriage into the next stage of your life.
You Don’t Have to Reinvent Yourself Immediately
There is a great deal of messaging around divorce about becoming the “new you”.
New hair.
New body.
New wardrobe.
New relationship.
New life.
But perhaps we need recovery before reinvention. After years of being part of a couple, you may not immediately know what you want your new life to look like. That is okay. The empty space left by another person’s presence can initially feel like loneliness. With time and support, that same space can begin to feel like independence. You don’t have to rush it. There is no correct timetable for recovering from the end of a marriage, whether you chose to leave or the decision was made for you.
Perhaps, instead of asking someone who has recently divorced, “Have you moved on yet?”, we should ask: “How are you adjusting to the life you have now?”
Because signing the papers may end the marriage. It doesn’t necessarily end its emotional impact. And sometimes the strongest thing you can do after surviving a divorce is recognise that you deserve some support in recovering from it.
And for any of you that this resonates with please don’t struggle on your own, and please don’t let others pressure you to go back out into the world of relationships.
Take your time and remember that you have a new chapter to open, but only when you feel ready.
