If you’re ever looking for me at a party, don’t bother scanning the dance floor or the centre of the room – I won’t be there. Instead, you’ll find me in the kitchen, pretending to be rearranging the canapés, deep in conversation with the host’s dog, or having an intense one-to-one chat with anyone – just to avoid doing the group small talk!
It’s not that I don’t like people – I love people (well most people). I just prefer them in small manageable doses. Give me a one-to-one conversation over a loud crowded room any day. A catch-up dinner with a friend? Perfect. A small group where everyone knows each other? Lovely. But throw me into a gala ball, a networking event, or a wedding where I only know the bride, it’s a different story. Then, I am that person glued to the corner, desperately scanning the room for an escape route, or retreating to the bathroom to apply my lipstick yet again.
The Fear of the Big and Loud
This fear called social anxiety is confounding. For me public speaking is not such a challenge, but take away a role that I am meant to be performing, and call me the ‘guest’ or the ‘attendee’ then it all seems to change. I have learnt that my social anxiety isn’t necessarily about shyness, and it’s not about being antisocial. It’s about me feeling overwhelmed in spaces that demand effortless mingling, confident small talk, which seems to be an Olympic-level challenge to me. The moment I step into a big event, my brain goes into overdrive. Where do I stand? Who shall I approach? How shall I start the conversation? All contrary , to my seemingly confident outward presentation.
And then, of course, there’s my personal dread, The Group Circle. You know the one – where a dozen people are chatting and laughing, and you feel it is your obligation to insert yourself without looking awkward. I have yet to master it. Usually I hover nearby hoping for a sign to join and suddenly it feels like senior school again and the long anticipated wait for the popular girl to ask me to join her ‘cool’ friendship group. Needless to say at this point I can feel myself wanting to retreat back to any safe haven to avoid this agonising experience.
One-to-One? I’m All In
But here’s the thing – get me in a corner with a small group, and I’m completely different. I love deep conversations, or getting into why that movie was meaningful and a must see. I thrive in real connections, and can relax and talk about anything from the deep and meaningful, to the bizarre and funny. It’s just the big group dynamic that feels impossible. I continue to make attempts to dip my toe into the water, and definitely know now that is not a pass or fail test.
How to Survive (and even enjoy !) Social Events with Social Anxiety
Over the years, I’ve stopped trying to force myself into being something I’m not. But that doesn’t mean I avoid social events, I’ve just learned how to manage them in a way that works for me. Here’s what helps me:
- Arrive Early – Walking into a full room can be overwhelming. Getting there early means I can start to feel part of it in before it gets busy
- Bring a Social ‘Anchor’ – Whether it’s a friend, partner or colleague, having someone familiar with me always makes it feel less daunting. However I still go it alone when I have to be at something important.
- Have a Plan for Small Talk – Instead of dreading small talk I try to think of it as a good opportunity to ask people about themselves – it’s a good icebreaker
- Give Yourself Permission to Take Breathers – practising kindness on myself and remembering it’s not an endurance test, I periodically go outside for some air or just find a comfy chair and chill.
- Know When To Leave – I don’t wait until I am socially drained. Leaving before I get to this point means I leave feeling that the whole experience was enjoyable.
I no longer feel guilty about leaving big events early or choosing to say no to the situations that drain me. Instead, I focus on what I enjoy – inviting friends to join me for dinner, catching up for coffee, or sticking to the edges of the party where, let’s be honest, the best conversations usually happen anyway. So yes, you’ll always find me in the kitchen at parties. And honestly ? I am happier for doing it my way!Â
