And How to Recognise It in the Man You Love
Article by Simon Verhage – founder of The Men’s Mind Cave
We talk more openly about mental health today, and that’s a good thing.
Women tend to talk more openly about their feelings than men. Perhaps this is a society that has made men hold their feelings within them, rather than talking about them. In 2024, suicide rates were at their highest in the country this century, often middle-aged men aged between 45 and 54.
But too often, the men in our lives quietly slip through the cracks. Many men grow up learning that strength means silence, that emotions should be swallowed.
That pain should be carried alone, and so a man struggles, not always knowing why he feels the way he does.
Is the pain truly his?
Or has he unconsciously absorbed the emotions of others, carrying burdens that were never his to begin with? The insecurity creeps in, and the inadequacy whispers in his ear in a world that never seems to slow down. He wakes up each day unsure of which direction his life is turning. Just going to work, comes home and provides for the family, just surviving, while trying to prove who he really is.
Yet deep down… he is hurting, on his own, silently.
His mind becomes a storm of fear, struggle, and confusion. He wants to speak but doesn’t know how to do this as he feels afraid to reveal what’s truly happening inside him. He may have anger, guilt, and frustration that all live within him, but he can never find a voice to go with the feelings. No one taught him how to connect to his inner world or to honour his emotions and to let them move through him rather than against him.
So he suppresses them, layer by layer, day after day, feeling the same. He still believes silence is strength, not realising the quiet damage it causes. When at home, he wears a brave face so his family won’t worry, but the lack of communication only deepens the divide.
They see the shell of him, not the storm within.
Each unspoken fear pulls him further away from himself.
Until one day, he feels too far gone.
Too late to open up.
Too late to return.
Too late to be saved.
What to look out for
If you’re a partner, spouse, or close friend, you may sense something is “off” long before he ever says a word.
You might notice:
- He’s not himself, more irritable, withdrawn, or emotionally flat
- He’s constantly exhausted, struggling with sleep, or unwell
- He’s lost interest in things he once loved
- He’s lost interest in things he once loved
- He’s coping through distraction, alcohol, screens, work, and isolation
- He makes hopeless or self-critical comments
- He pulls away emotionally or physically
Often, when a man says “I’m just tired”, there’s far more beneath the surface. This isn’t a weakness. It’s his unprocessed pain that he is struggling to deal with.
How You Can Support Him
Open the conversation gently
Choose a calm moment and speak with care:
“You’ve seemed a bit off lately. I’m here if you want to talk.”
Listen without fixing
He may not have the words yet. Let silence exist. Being heard safely can be healing in itself.
Encourage support without pressure
Normalise therapy, coaching, or men’s spaces. Offer to help him take that first step if he feels unsure.
Lead with patience and kindness
Small acts, such as a hug, a message, a cup of tea, build trust more than advice ever will.
Take care of yourself, too
Supporting someone who is struggling can be heavy. You deserve support as well.
The Good News
There is a turning point, when a man finally begins to understand himself, when he learns to recognise his emotions and hold space for them. He discovers something powerful – that his pain was never a weakness, but it was a message, and as he learns to listen to it, he rises, with clarity, with the feeling of purpose and with strength that no longer comes from silence but from self-awareness. He is able to show the world and himself what he is truly made of.
Places to get help and support for men would be as follows:
Andy’s Man’s Club: www.andysmanclub.co.uk
Men’s Mind Cave: www.mensmindcave.co.uk
Founded by Simon Verhage, The Men’s Mind Cave is a safe, non-judgmental space built for those who are ready to take back control and reconnect with their authentic self, to create a relationship with who they are on the inside, creating a stronger and more purposeful path both psychically and spiritually. A free organisation that meets virtually every other Tuesday.
Men’s Minds Matter: mensmindmatter.org
Mind: www.mind.org.uk
Samaritans free 24/7 on 116123
