Jealousy – the ‘green-eyed monster’?
Jealousy is something we are taught by society is an ugly trait, and therefore we seem to hold shame around it as if it is something we should be able to turn our backs on. Many of us cringe to admit we have or are experiencing it. In relationships, jealousy or the ‘green-eyed monster’ is strongly frowned on and often depicted at its extreme as the ‘bunny-boiler’ stereotype in the iconic movie Fatal Attraction. We also recognise the stereotypical image of the overly possessive partner whose anxiety spikes when their partner is not in sight, or feels compelled to check their partner’s phone for reassurance. All of these negative portrayals make us feel very uncomfortable when we have to admit that we might be feeling jealousy in our relationship as a woman in her midlife years, and older years.
I do not exclude myself from this, as I too have felt pangs of jealousy with my ex-partner, whose charismatic personality seemed to be like a honey pot to other women. Even writing this, I judge myself for being that way, as I realise that this was also what had drawn me to him in the first place! The fact that he was younger also seemed not to be an issue, until I saw a younger woman appear in the room, and felt myself sense-checking his reactions just to ‘safeguard’ my relationship. It is hard to admit, but I feel that writing this article has come from a place of personal understanding and not just observation. However, I do want to add that the feelings of jealousy at midlife in relationships are not just the territory of us women. I do see men in my therapy room who are in this place, but maybe less honest about their experience, but this article is focused on our experiences.
Interestingly, we often imagine that jealousy belongs to youth, as we try to put distance between ourselves and this undesirable emotion. We see it as the territory of early relationships, compounded by the youthful uncertainty of our identity, and the heady intensity of our first loves. This cultivates our belief that jealousy in relationships is something we should grow out of, and it is only the prerogative of the young. We reinforce this by believing that by midlife, surely we’re more secure, more settled, more certain of who we are and of where we stand in our relationships.
And yet, as with my own experience, in my therapy room and as part of our conversations with close friends, a different story emerges. Jealousy doesn’t disappear with age. In many ways, it becomes more complex and harder to understand when we feel this in a relationship we may have felt secure in for many years. There is sometimes a resounding statement of “I Didn’t Expect to Feel This Way at My Age”, again, there creeps in self-blaming and a sense of shame. One of the most common things I hear from women in midlife is: “I feel embarrassed even saying it, but I feel jealous”.
Jealousy is not about age. It is about attachment, vulnerability, and what we stand to lose.
Why Jealousy Can Intensify in Midlife
Midlife often brings transition: shifting relationships, children leaving home, menopause, identity changes and reflection.
These shifts can stir deeper questions:
- Am I still chosen?
- Am I still attractive?
- Am I still enough?
We are all work in progress, and sometimes we don’t allow for those feelings to be processed, but just push them away in fear of being the ‘only one’ that has managed to do the ‘work’ on ourselves. Jealousy can become less about competition and more about existential insecurity. Then there is the Comparison Trap, where we often may compare ourselves to other women, who may seem to be more confident, or other relationships that may seem to be more flourishing. This is not helped by the curated lives on social media, where some women seem to have all the answers and don’t seem to embody these vulnerabilities that we are experiencing. This is when jealousy can often grow where comparison meets our own vulnerability. To counter this, we do need to remind ourselves that we are enough, but in this dilemma, we are really questioning whether he or she thinks we are still enough for them.
When Relationships Feel Less Certain
In some long-term relationships, we can feel less certain, as connection can become routine, rather than intentional. The emotional disconnection can happen over years, resulting in small triggers, messages, tone changes, and attention shifts feeling bigger than they are. It’s often not the event itself, but what it represents is a disconnection or change from how it used to be. If communication with our partners is not very fulfilling, we tend to go from what we experience, and instead of knowing what they feel, we assume by acts that we know what they are feeling. So if their eyes stray, or they seem to laugh too hard at a joke, or they seem to bring all of their social energy to a space outside of the relationship, then we assume that we no longer are holding their attention. This is where the jealousy can be reinforced by that sense of I no longer hold the place that I once had occupied.
The Hidden Fear Beneath Jealousy
At its core, midlife jealousy often carries the fear: what if I lose this and don’t have time to rebuild? This makes the feeling deeper and more unsettling. Sometimes jealousy is directed inward, making us question our self-worth, attractiveness, or identity. Most importantly, it can be a signal that something within you needs attention. This can be healthy jealousy, which highlights needs and encourages communication. We then become aware of the lack of the connection that made us feel secure in our relationship, and it can lead to positive steps to address this unsettling feeling. Whereas unhealthy jealousy leads to us feeling we need to hold onto what is ours more tightly, and perhaps exert more control and rules to safeguard the relationship. Or we can become more seeking of reassurance, or even worse, perhaps start to mistrust and monitor our partners.
I personally felt that I had become more anxious and on edge, until I started to dig into what I was reacting to, and why I had this jealousy appearing. It took pausing and standing back to uncover the answers.
I had to ask myself:
- What am I feeling?
- What am I afraid of?
- What do I need?
It is important that when we communicate these feelings, they come from our willingness to acknowledge vulnerability, and not from a place of accusation or trying to shift the emotion we feel onto our partners. In my own case, my self-realisation was that I had lost some of my own identity in the pursuit of this relationship, and I had to be vulnerable enough to explore the impact of this in understanding my own situation. As I alluded to earlier in the article, this partner is now my ex-partner, and there was a realisation that sometimes the relationship you have treasured is no longer the one that you can be secure enough to be vulnerable in.
Rebuilding Security
However, some relationships will grow from our own realisation of what jealousy is trying to tell us. The importance of this is that we have to seek security from reconnecting with ourselves in the first instance and then rebuilding emotional closeness in the relationship. We need to start with ourselves before we then bring this into our relationships, and then there is real room for this experience to change the emotional connection we have with our partners. Sometimes this will require some conscious effort, focused conversations, or may also require support through couples counselling if it feels too overwhelming to get going.
A Final Thought
As a final thought, I would like you to see that jealousy in midlife is not a flaw. It is a signal that something matters strongly to us, and we should not try to push it away. When we pause and take time to understand the whys rather than the whats and the whos, it becomes an invitation to deepen our self-awareness and connection with self. So lastly, perhaps this is a more meaningful way to look at midlife jealousy in our relationships than beating ourselves for not being impervious to those pangs.
After all, we are only human!
