As we commemorate 80 years since VE Day, much is rightly said about the bravery of the men & women who went to war. We honour their sacrifice, their courage, and their strong sense of duty. This occasion brings to mind not just the heroes of the Second World War, but also those brave veterans from the wars that our armed forces have been engaged in since Victory in Europe Day.
I would like in this article to not only to pay tribute to all of our service men & women but to shine a spotlight on the courage of the partners & spouses of our war veterans. When we speak of trauma in veterans, our attention quite rightly focuses on those who’ve served — those who’ve seen, heard, and lived through unimaginable things. But what’s often missed in that conversation, is the silent suffering of the people who love them. Their partners. Their spouses. They weren’t in the warzone, but have had to live with its impact every day. We now understand this to be “third-party PTSD” and this describes the impact on the person when they live close to someone with untreated, or ongoing post-traumatic stress. Over time, their trauma begins to shape their world too. There are no medals for their bravery.
I have had the privilege to work closely with veterans, who have PTSD and soon came to realise the importance of their partners, who have been holding the emotional weight of their families together for years. I just wanted to highlight my observations, in order to raise the awareness of these wonderful individuals, and their own personal sacrifices. They are engaged in quiet, relentless battles to maintain some version of normal life, in the face of unpredictability of their partners’ trauma. They wake up every morning not knowing what mood will greet them. They shield their children from the fallout. They become single parents in households where their partner is physically present, but psychologically distant and emotionally detached. Many haven’t had a full night’s sleep in years. Intimacy fades. Birthdays, holidays, and everyday joys are tiptoed around, just in case their partner is just not able to be emotionally capable to engage.
What struck me most is the loneliness. These partners are often taking on the role of the ‘anchor’ and the quiet carer. They become experts in managing outbursts, calming anxiety, navigating moods, all while never being asked, “And how are you coping?” Some develop their own symptoms of anxiety or hypervigilance. Some lose their sense of self entirely. They carry the weight of unspoken history, of invisible injuries. They grieve for the relationship they once had, for the version of their partner that war took away. And yet they carry on—with strength, with compassion, and with remarkable endurance.
There is also love. Real, powerful love.
That’s why they stay.
That’s why they try.
But love doesn’t mean sacrifice should be endless or unsupported. It doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to be cared for too. The truth is, trauma doesn’t exist in isolation. It touches everyone in its orbit. And yet, so often, the partner is forgotten in the conversation. They are expected to “cope,” to carry on, to be the emotional glue that holds everything together. If you’re one of those partners, I see you. You’re not invisible. Your struggle is real, and your resilience is extraordinary. You deserve support too. Therapy, peer groups, honest conversations—whatever helps you reclaim your space and your wellbeing. You are not selfish for needing help. You are not weak for feeling tired. You are human. And you matter.
To all of us please remember, that behind every veteran carrying silent wounds, there is often someone else— carrying just as much. And that, too, is bravery. This VE Day, let us not only remember those who served on the frontlines, but also those who have quietly fought to hold life together behind the scenes. These are the silent heroes to also be celebrated and thanked for their selfless sacrifice and courage – we see you and we celebrate you.
