Let’s be honest, very few topics make couples squirm quite like this one. Porn. It’s everywhere, it’s accessible, and for many, it’s become part of modern life. But when it sneaks into the private corners of relationships, things can get complicated. As a therapist, I’ve heard every angle of this conversation, from partners who feel rejected, to those who feel embarrassed about being caught, to others who genuinely wonder: “Is this even a problem?” The truth? It depends.
Just recently, there have been articles in the papers about porn addiction with BBC TV presenter Ore Oduba, bravely owning his 30-year addiction to porn – saying it nearly ‘destroyed’ his life. These articles come with the supporting data that one in four men is unable to quit porn. And two-thirds are so hooked that it’s causing them problems getting aroused in the bedroom. These articles, however, although empathising with male porn addiction, should also reference the growing trend of women becoming users of porn. The YouGov 2023 survey suggests that 70% of UK men and 30-40% of women watch porn regularly.
Women report struggling with compulsive porn use too – often framed not as an addiction but as shame, secrecy and conflict in seeking help. The emotional differences in the reasons for porn use are often quite different. Men often describe porn as a way to manage stress and boredom, whereas women more often link it to loneliness and unmet emotional needs.
When secrecy enters the mix, trust takes a hit
However, watching porn occasionally doesn’t automatically spell trouble. For some, it’s simply fantasy, a harmless, private experience that doesn’t impact intimacy. But for others, porn can creep in like an uninvited guest between partners, changing how we connect, communicate, and experience real closeness.
The trouble often starts when one person feels excluded. A partner might say, “He’d rather watch that than touch me,” or “She hides it like it’s an affair.” When secrecy enters the mix, trust takes a hit, and what began as private exploration starts to feel like emotional distance. Porn can also shape unrealistic expectations. It’s performative, edited, and detached from real-life sex, all the laughter, vulnerability, and communication that genuine intimacy involves. When one partner starts comparing their relationship to what they see on screen, disappointment often follows.
Then there’s frequency, which is when there may be signs that it’s becoming a compulsion. If you or your partner are turning to porn daily (or several times a day), hiding it, or using it to numb feelings like stress or loneliness, it may have shifted from habit to compulsion. Excessive porn use can desensitise the brain’s reward system, meaning it takes more stimulation to feel the same pleasure. That can spill over into the bedroom, where real sex may start to feel less exciting or emotionally engaging. If this sounds familiar, it doesn’t mean you’re broken, but it does mean something deeper may need attention. Often, porn addiction isn’t really about sex; it’s about escape.
How to Talk About Porn Without Losing the Plot
Here’s the tricky bit — how do you even start this conversation without it turning into a row?
1. Pick your moment. Not mid-argument or after discovery. Calmly, when you both feel safe.
2. Avoid blame. Use “I” statements: “I feel hurt when…” instead of “You’re disgusting.”
3. Listen to understand, not to shame. You might learn that it’s not about you at all but about stress, loneliness, or habit.
4. Set boundaries together. Talk openly about what feels acceptable in your relationship. Some couples are fine with porn use; others aren’t. There’s no single rule, just what works for you both.
5. Seek help if needed. Therapists trained in psychosexual or addiction issues can help unpack what’s really going on. Often, the issue isn’t the porn itself, but what’s happening beneath it. There are also great support organisations such as Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, https://slaauk.org and The Laurel Centre, https://thelaurelcentre.co.uk
If It’s Becoming a Problem
If porn use is excessive or secretive, it’s okay to name it. Ask:
• Is this connecting us or disconnecting us?
• Is it being used to avoid intimacy or emotion?
• Is it still a choice, or does it feel like a compulsion?
If the answer leans toward the latter, it’s time for support. Recovery isn’t about shame, it’s about rebuilding trust, reconnecting emotionally, and remembering that real intimacy is messy, tender, and human.
Porn itself isn’t the enemy, but silence is.
If we can talk about it openly, without judgment, it loses its power to divide. And if your partner’s porn use hurts, confuses, or leaves you questioning your worth, and you’re not being “prudish.” You’re responding to emotional distance, not fantasies on a screen. Because ultimately, healthy sex and healthy relationships thrive on honesty, connection, and curiosity, not comparison.
Always use kindness towards yourself and your partner, and you are already halfway there to overcoming any challenges you may be facing.
