Picture this: you’re on a romantic night out. The lights are low, the wine is poured, you’re leaning in for that meaningful eye contact… and then ping! Your partner’s phone lights up, and suddenly, you’re competing for attention with a WhatsApp group chat called “Banter Squad.”
Sound familiar?
As a relationship therapist, I’ve heard many complaints over the years, about in-laws, messy kitchens, or snoring , but lately, there’s a new intruder in the relationship dynamic. It’s small, rectangular, and glued to your partner’s hand.
It’s his mobile phone.
And it’s not just theirs, is it? If we’re honest, sometimes we’re the ones with our heads bent, thumbs tapping, while our partner quietly wonders if we’re ever going to look up.
Meet Phubbing, Your Relationship’s Uninvited Guest
If you haven’t heard of phubbing, you’ve probably experienced it. It’s a mash-up of “phone” and “snubbing”, the act of ignoring someone in favour of your phone.
It might be checking Instagram during breakfast, scrolling emails while watching TV together, or “just quickly replying” to a message during a conversation (a phrase that usually means, this will take at least five minutes, so settle in).
It’s subtle, but the message it sends is clear: “This device is currently more important than you.” Ouch.
Why We Do It
From a therapist’s perspective, our phones have become a strange sort of emotional comfort blanket. They keep our brains busy, distract us from boredom, and give us little dopamine hits every time we refresh.
But here’s the problem: relationships also thrive on those same dopamine hits and if we’re getting them from a glowing screen instead of our partner, something’s gone a bit skew-whiff.
Signs Your Phone Might Be the Third Person in Your Relationship
– You check your phone before you say “good morning.”
– Date night selfies take up more time than the actual date.
– You or your partner feel slightly panicked if the phone battery dips below 20%.
– Conversations include phrases like, “You’re not even listening to me!” followed by, “I am… I just need to finish this…”
– You’ve been caught mid-nod while actually reading something entirely unrelated.
It’s Not Just Romantic Relationships
Phubbing doesn’t just damage intimacy with a partner. It can quietly chip away at friendships and family connections too.
Ever had coffee with a friend who kept glancing at their phone between sips? Or tried to tell your teenager about your day while they half-listened, half-typed on Snapchat?
The message is the same: “I’m here… but not really here.”
I’ve worked with families where meal times have turned into silent scrolling sessions, and parents who feel they’ve lost real conversation with their kids. And it works both ways, children notice when their parents are distracted too. One youngster told me:
“Mum’s face changes when she’s looking at her phone, like she’s not in the room anymore.”
Friendships also suffer. A lack of presence in those small moments, the laughs, the shared stories, the sideways glances, means you’re slowly eroding the glue that holds you together.
Elderly parents feel slighted as in their world conversation is precious, and your distraction is not understood but felt as another sign of their growing unimportance in this online world.
The Emotional Impact of Smart Phones
Small moments matter. When people feel like they’re always coming second to a piece of technology, it can lead to feelings of rejection, resentment, and disconnection.
One couple I worked with realised they hadn’t had an uninterrupted conversation in weeks — not because they were fighting, but because their phones kept stealing the spotlight. They’d grown so used to it that silence without scrolling felt… uncomfortable.
So, What Can We Do?
If you’re reading this and thinking, Yep, my phone and I are basically in a committed relationship, don’t panic. This isn’t about throwing your mobile in the sea. It’s about being intentional.
Here are some playful but powerful tips:
1. Declare Phone-Free Zones.
The bedroom is a good start (and yes, I mean completely, your phone doesn’t get to “just charge” on the bedside table).
2. Use Airplane Mode for Take-Off.
When you’re about to have an important chat or a cosy night in, pretend you’re on a flight and switch to airplane mode. The world can wait an hour.
3. Screen-Free Meals.
Whether it’s breakfast or a dinner out, keep the phones out of sight. You might be surprised how nice it feels to be fully present.
4. Call Out Phubbing. Kindly.
A little humour helps: “I’ll just wait until you and your phone are finished catching up.”
5. Replace Scroll Time with Real Connection: Even 10 minutes of uninterrupted, phone-free conversation can do wonders for intimacy, whether that’s with a partner, friend, or child.
The Bottom Line
Your phone is an amazing tool but it’s a rubbish substitute for human connection. If you’re not careful, it can quietly become the third person in your relationship, the awkward guest at a dinner with friends, and the wedge between you and your family.
So next time you’re tempted to “just check one thing,” pause and ask yourself: Am I phubbing the people I care about?
If the answer is yes, maybe it’s time to give them your full attention and let the group chat wait.
