The Quiet Pain
No bruises on the skin, no mark to show the blow
Just a quiet shifting of the things you used to know
A gradual erosion of the voice inside your head,
A heavy walking on the glass of words they left unsaid
They rewrite every story until your truth looks small
And makes you’re sorry for the shadow on the wall
You lose the way back home inside a maze they built so fine
And slowly learn to doubt the light, and second guess every time.
Author: Unknown
I read this poem, and I heard and felt pain. It inspired me to write this article, to start a dialogue to raise awareness, in support of all women who have suffered, or are suffering emotional abuse. There is a need for us all to pause, and recognise the invisible wounds caused by emotional abuse. These are often hidden from sight, but slowly destroy some women from the inside. We can only help to change this picture when we understand. I hope by reading this article, you take away from it some insights and reflections to inspire you to be there for yourself, or for those women who need us.
Invisible Wounds We Ignore
Many of the women who sit in my therapy room don’t arrive saying ‘’I’m being emotionally abused’’. Many tend to be very protective towards their partner and become defensive if explored too early. They will say things like: ‘‘I don’t feel myself anymore’’, or ‘’I seem to get everything wrong’’, or ‘’I’m walking on eggshells all the time’’, or quite often ‘’I don’t know why, but I’ve completely lost my confidence’’. Often it will be that they still love their partners, and many are desperately trying to save the relationship. Almost all of them wonder whether they are somehow to blame. And they often arrive alone because their partner will not consider couples therapy, and they have been told they need to change their behaviour. This is one of the cruelest aspects of emotional abuse, is that it makes you question your own reality. Yet because it leaves no visible wounds, many women struggle to recognise it, and others fail to understand the profound impact it has on confidence, identity and emotional wellbeing.
It Doesn’t Usually Start That Way
Very few emotionally abusive relationships begin with obvious cruelty. In fact, many begin with kindness, charm and intense affection. The relationship feels exciting. You feel chosen, special and important. But over time something begins to change, your opinions are questioned, your memories are corrected and your feelings dismissed, and you are often shut down. You begin to apologise for things you don’t fully believe are your fault, and slowly you start adjusting your responses to avoid triggering conflict. Overtime this eats away at your confidence and self-belief, and the authentic you will slowly disappear.
The Abuse You Can’t Quite Explain
Emotional abuse is so difficult to recognise because it consists of small injuring moments, rather than dramatic events. A cutting remark is often disguised as humour, but it hurts. You are told, ‘you’re too sensitive,’ so you hold back your tears. Your concerns are dismissed as overreacting, so you struggle and silently carry your anxiety alone. You are given the silent treatment after expressing a view that gets seen as criticism. Nothing you do is good enough, and the sense of being difficult or too demanding makes you second guess every decision. These small but painful moments gradually begin to change how you see yourself, and drain away the confidence you have to express yourself. Many women tell me that they eventually stop expressing their opinions, because it simply was not worth the argument. Some admit to having become so anxious, that they find themselves constantly monitoring what they say in order to keep the peace. This is not a healthy relationship, it is pure emotional survival.
When Everything Becomes Your Fault
Over time it feels that everything becomes your fault, and you can’t make him happy. This pattern emerges where the blame seems to reside squarely with you. All that is wrong appears to come from your actions, or perceived lack of actions. If your partner is angry, then you have caused this. If they are unhappy, you have not given enough. If they withdraw affection, it is because you have disappointed them. The weight of carrying the responsibility of someone else’s emotions and keeping them happy starts to take it’s toil. Not only are you experiences this underlying emotional abuse, you become emotionally exhausted and ultimately feel defeated.
The Children Are Watching
Emotional abuse is leaks out, and it touches those around us. Children may not know what the words ‘emotional abuse’ means, but they are extraordinary observers. They notice tension, and they feel fear. They will notice if one parent is constantly apologising for their actions, or always the one that tries to keep the peace. Over time they will start to learn love means walking on eggshells and keeping someone happy is more important than expressing your own feelings. Or that may see criticism as normal, and even start to join in the dialogue becoming the echoing voice of disappointment. These lessons can quietly shape the way they approach love in adulthood. Although damage is not inevitable, being aware and changing the pattern is not only important for ourselves, but for the next generation too.
How Do You Know It’s Emotional Abuse?
To enable change we need to be able to recognise emotional abuse, so that we can reach out to that friend who may be struggling, or check in with ourselves if this has felt too familiar. The questions I would suggest you explore would be these:
1. Do I feel able to express my thoughts without fear?
2. Am I constantly second-guessing myself?
3. Have I lost confidence since being in this relationship?
4. Do I apologise excessively?
5. Do I feel responsible for my partner’s moods?
6. Have I withdrawn from friends or family?
7. Do I like the person I am in this relationship?
If you find several of these painfully familiar then maybe it is time to talk to someone you trust. You are worth having that conversation, or if that feels too exposing then try therapy which can afford you a safe place to explore further. If you recognise the possibility of your friend experiencing emotional abuse, then become the ‘safe space’, but tread slowly as it is important they are ready, and it may be just a case of being a constant presence to wait until that time is right.
Finding Yourself Again
The most rewarding part of my work is when I see someone being able to find themselves again. One of the hardest parts is to admit that your partner does not make you feel emotionally safe, and that the relationship that you are in is not healthy. This can feel strangely like betrayal, and also some sense of shame in that you have been in this place for some time, and not fought for yourself. But change can start once you stop making yourself small, and starts to find your voice again. This change takes courage, and by taking small steps a shift can start to happen. Sometimes this can happen within a relationship, but often it requires confidence to be rebuilt first to be able to start to advocate again for your own needs.
A Final Thought
The healthiest of relationships don’t make us feel small, they feel safe enough so we can be ourselves and grow.
Real love does not cause us to be silent or sacrifice our self-belief to keep the peace. The strongest relationships are where both partners feel heard, respected and emotionally safe. Because perhaps the greatest measure of love isn’t how much of yourself you are willing to give away. It’s whether the relationship allows you to remain fully yourself while giving it. Be true to yourself, be kind to yourself and most importantly always reach out and don’t struggle alone.
