As a relationship therapist, I am seeing the increase in this type of behaviour being brought by couples into my therapy room. Unlike traditional infidelity, there has been no affair in the traditional sense, and no obvious lines crossed physically. However, it has often been the catalyst for a couple to seek therapy.
Typically, these sessions tend to start with me being faced with one partner feeling deeply hurt, while the other looks genuinely confused, and the other has come armed with their justification to defend their actions:
‘It was only a bit of fun’
‘We were just messaging’
‘Nothing happened’
‘We didn’t have sex’
But is it only a bit of fun?
For the partner who has experienced this behaviour, it clearly feels significant, and not just a bit of fun. Perhaps on paper, these acts of micro-cheating are seemingly small behaviours, such as flirtatious messaging or constantly liking or commenting on someone’s posts. But these small acts can start to take on a more meaningful direction, such as confiding in someone outside the relationship, causing a drift in intimacy.
Partners will say, ‘But nothing actually happened,’ and what they usually mean is that there was no sex or physical intimacy. But emotional trust is not only damaged by physical acts. For the hurt partner, the pain often comes from secrecy, the feelings of exclusion and the fact that emotional energy is being invested in someone else. And this is where the real issue often lies.
Not in whether two people slept together, but in whether emotional loyalty has started leaking elsewhere.
Why does it feel so hurtful?
For the partner on the receiving end, the pain is often less about jealousy and more about exclusion. It is the feeling that someone else has had access to a side of your partner that you thought was reserved for your relationship, and now their energy and attention are being redirected. It is the fact that their honesty has become selective, and suddenly, the boundaries of trust feel blurry. Although the partner may try to minimise their intent, it can still feel incredibly emotionally destabilising. Particularly when the hurt partner is then made to feel ‘crazy’ or ‘overreacting’ to these ‘discovered’ events and their feelings that the trust has been compromised, if not carelessly broken.
‘’It was just banter!’’ – The modern relationship loophole
Let’s face it, social media and mobiles have created endless opportunities for low-level flirtation that can be disguised as harmless fun. And to be fair, not every playful exchange is a threat or a relationship crisis. Attraction is human, and most people enjoy the feeling of being desired or seen. The problem comes when it becomes more purposeful, and then secrecy starts to be part of covering up this activity. It can be a strangely addictive behaviour, which can start to gather importance in creating the experienced ‘buzz’ or anticipatory excitement. The energy that this will divert from the relationship may not be visible immediately, but it’s a distraction that can start to takes it’s toll, and a ‘shift’ in intimacy has started.
Midlife, attention and feeling visible again
This issue has shown up multiple times in my therapy room with my midlife couples. At this stage of life, there are many issues that mid-lifers are faced with, both emotional and physical challenges. The ageing process and the menopause bring changes. In addition, the changes in family dynamics, such as ‘empty nest’ or being part of the ‘sandwich’ generation, bring unique stresses and challenges. Relationships can become strained, and sometimes neglected and undernourished. Micro-cheating can be due to other unaddressed issues such as loneliness, boredom, low self-esteem, poor boundaries or emotional disconnection.
Indeed, a flirtatious message can suddenly feel intoxicating. Someone noticing your sense of humour, appearance or personality can create a rush that feels very different to discussing the car MOT or the weekly shop, and the calendar dilemmas. It can awaken the feeling of being more alive, clearly a temptation, but this thrill can be at the expense of the trust we have built.
The real question isn’t ‘Did you cheat?’
The premise of whether this is ‘actual’ cheating can be hotly debated. However, it’s more important to recognise that this is perhaps related to a relationship that has started to fail to recognise one of the partners’ needs.
I find it helpful to ask the question, or as I call it, the ‘red face test’, which asks would you be comfortable doing this in front of your partner? Or if the roles were reversed, would you be happy to find out that your partner had diverted their attentions to another? The reaction to this is often an uncomfortable silence, and hopefully some reflection. These questions often help to reveal the truth of the impact of micro-cheating, and whether this can still be seen as ‘harmless fun’.
Can relationships recover from it?
In my experience, the answer is ‘yes’, but only when the issue underneath this behaviour has been understood. Micro-cheating is rarely just about the acts; it is usually about disconnection in the relationship. Secrets do not have a place in a healthy relationship as they nibble away at trust and our ability to be vulnerable. To recover from this, the couple will need to be courageous in acknowledging the hurt caused and looking at the unmet needs in the relationship that have caused this to happen.
Rebuilding trust is not easy, but with transparency and effort, it can be re-established and sometimes even strengthened.
A final thought
Perhaps the reason micro-cheating creates so much confusion is because modern relationships now exist in spaces previous generations never had to navigate. We carry entire social worlds around in our pockets, compete with old flames, new admirers and endless opportunities for attention. So perhaps it was only a bit of fun, perhaps there was no sex. However, relationships are held together by trust, and this is being uniquely tested. More often, our relationships are shaped and potentially wounded by where we place our attention, honesty, and emotional energy.
And in the end, trust is built not just through the big promises we make, but through the small everyday choices we make, and the way we honour our partner and the trust we have built.
